The analysis of male supremacy went along the lines of the increasingly clear analysis of white supremacy: male supremacy was invented and enforced as a capitalist strategy - to break apart the solidarity of the working class and consolidate power in fewer hands. I won't get too much into this as we are also studying Patriarchy & Capitalism for next session. These histories were just briefly mentioned in the workshop, article, and radio program (click to access.
The crux of the work on Saturday was helping men to clarify the socialization they have received
recognize the pain inherent in that socialization and primarily the privileges and ways they reproduce that form of oppression. Basic huh?
Male Socialization
Paul Kivel, our fab facilitator who makes a lot of his resources available freely online, started out by doing a dad-son role play which led us to develop "the box." First we looked at all the feelings that any human, including boys, have in certain situations, like being yelled at by your dad - anxiety, frustration, fear, sadness, anger, confusion. Then the next layer of what you're told to be as a "man" - emotionless, physically strong, disconnected and degrading to women, able to do anything, etc - all those things disguising the emotion inside. Then the walls of the box (sexism, homophobia, etc) being what holds together that identity of a man. That stepping outside of those expectations, that box, leads someone to be called a homo or sissy or cunt or anything associated with femininity (and therefore negative). And all the threats of violence which encourage people to stay inside the box.
The Price of Oppressor Status
The next exercise was a series of statements that men were asked to stand if they had experienced. Statements like "I have engaged in exercise because I felt like my body wasn't manly enough," "I have felt that I was unfit to care for children even though I wanted to." "I have not connected with other men because I didn't want to be seen as gay" "I have wanted to blow myself away." It was certainly momentous that almost every man stood up for almost every statement.
I, and the few other women in the session, were struck with grief at watching so many people admit to so many painful, formative experiences in their life. That is the hard part - recognizing at how all these strategies (usually attributable to capitalism) - in their basest form sought to dehumanize EVERYONE - not just the oppressed so they could be made into (wage) slaves, but even the oppressors, so they could carry out the oppression. These systems rely on everyone being indoctrinated out of their humanity, their natural love of others, their natural belief in common good, their natural desire to connect with other people.
Paycheck of Oppressor Status
Paul continued with a similar stand-up-if-this-applies exercise, this time looking at the privileges that men gained by this situation, and how they perpetuate disadvantage or outright violence onto others. Things like "I have hit someone younger than me," "I have gotten jobs because of my connections with other men" (i.e. the good old boys club), "In my family women do more of the housecleaning, cooking, childcare, washing or other caretaking than me or other men do." "I know where Ivcan have access to sex from women for money in the city or region where I live.
People talked a bunch about how the constant social message that were leaders, more intelligent, better equipped, and generally superior, starts to make them believe that.
From there people discussed, and did role plays, on how to be better allies to women (lessons which are applicable to be better allies to anyone in an oppressed group). I don't remember too many notable things from this section, mainly I think because I was really drowsy that day. Or maybe because they were things similar to what I've learned before.
Emotional Spewing onto Women
I thought back upon thoughts on how men's socialization to never show emotions or have deep connections with other men leads the heterosexual ones to believe that they can only open up with women, and thus they confuse emotional healing with romance and sex. Like the phenomenon of men kind of non consensually blabbing out all their pain, loneliness, and confusion on any female friend they get close with - and then often trying to manipulate that into a sexual relationship. It is a despicable sexual strategy. Even when it doesn't go the sexual route it's still another form of unpaid caretaking labor that unfairly falls on women's shoulders.
I very specifically remember coming to this analysis when I was 20 and trying to volunteer in an orphanage in Guatemala. As night would fall, this one guy (not an orphan, a worker there) would come find me and then pretty instantly start spewing all his emotional baggage. It was so clear the way he was trying to draw me into him with his tales of woe and loneliness so that i would make out and presumably have sex with him. It feels pretty annoying in the moment, but it's also angering that the system of patriarchy forms men to feel emotionally isolated and think they need a woman to be able to address their emotions.
Reconnecting with One's Own Humanity
We spoke about that, if we reject the current social paradigm of maleness and gender, what is a better model? Someone shared their dislike of the attempts to simply come up with a better image of maleness - i.e. a REAL man is sensitive, kind, etc... That that only creates a new box that people have to fit in. Paul Kivel laid out a beautiful alternative - that what we're striving for is for men, and all people, including oppressors and oppressed, to be reconnected with their humanity. A humanity that comes before gender, sexuality, race, religion, physical ability, etc. This to me was one of those light bulb popping moments - yeah!
A couple other questions/notes:
- It is endearing to be a daddy's girl, but insulting to be a mama's boy
- Is some amount of violence normal/required in human society?
dude, those are heavy questions.
ReplyDeletei think society can peg both mama/daddy labels as insultin or endearing as it wishes. what's wierd is that there's no daddy's boy or mama's girl, which makes the existence of the other labels seem patriheteroerotic. that's a registered trademark.
my definition of violence is pretty broad, and i think much of the day to day violence we partake in seems natural; but the system is so engrained in all of us, that i doubt i would know if that violence is just symptomatic of the isolation and anger.
did you guys talk at all about how patriarchy robs us of authentic relationships with each other? on an interpersonal level, that's the saddest part about these constructed -isms: how we cheat ourselves from each other. and i guess from our own selves as well.
ReplyDelete"the phenomenon of men kind of non consensually blabbing out all their pain, loneliness, and confusion on any female friend they get close with - and then often trying to manipulate that into a sexual relationship. It is a despicable sexual strategy. Even when it doesn't go the sexual route it's still another form of unpaid caretaking labor that unfairly falls on women's shoulders."
ReplyDeleteFOR REALS. thank you for connecting how this is yet another piece of unpaid labor falling on our(women') shoulders.
-Rahula